This woman has nothing to do with our story. She's a stock image that came with the website template. But she looks good here, doesn't she? Trimming the hedges in...the winter. In a rain coat. And rubber gloves. With her scarf blowing in the wind but her hair perfectly still. How could I possibly delete a photograph as confusing as this one?

A Webseries by Brandon Hall

 

LOGLINE: When an out of shape 35 year-old schlub tries to kill himself by leaping from the roof of a skyscraper only to land unharmed, he is forced to embrace his role as an invincible superhero in order to protect the ones he loves, but also to get his best friend to shut up about being a superhero duo, already.

 

DEREK’S STORY:

 

Derek Dolor was a 35 year old IT Manager at Blake Powers Acquisitions and living the good life. He was dating way out of his league, working the same job for 12 years – mad security, yo – and just pwned BIGDICK2002 on Call of Duty the other day. But when his girlfriend, SAM, breaks the news that she’d been sleeping with his British boss, the 80s trust fund villain BLAKE POWERS, Derek throws himself from the roof of the building.

 

And lands without a scratch. Also quite alive. And in a ton of pain. Seriously, like all of the pain. Otherwise completely unharmed.

 

Video hits the news and Derek becomes Generic City’s most famous resident. They dub him SuperZero. Out of the kindness of their hearts, no doubt.

 

His best friend and roommate, LEON DeLEON, isn’t about to let the opportunity of a lifetime to be part of a superhero duo pass him by. However, it’s not until Sam is taken hostage by Blake Powers that Leon finally gets Derek to don the (duct tape) mask and (picnic blanket) cape.

 

Unfortunately, heroes beget villains. European villains with bad accents. And they all come out of the woodwork to capture Derek and use him for their diabolical ambitions.

 

On the plus side, heroes also get the ladies. Derek saves one in particular, the stunningly beautiful PENNY, who helps Derek finally reconcile some of his inner fragility with his outer invincibility.

 

When the baddest bad guy comes to town – a geriatric German named DAGGAR LöWE – Derek and Leon get a surprise visit from Blake Powers, whom they thought they’d killed. Blake tells Derek that Daggar is coming for everyone Derek loves, including and especially Derek’s disapproving mother, GLADYS.

 

Together, the four of them, Derek, Leon, Penny, and Blake, hatch a plan to attack Daggar in his office at Nakatomi Plaza. They’re gonna blow him to the moon with three bricks of C4 strapped to Derek’s chest. Cue fucking awesome music!

 

Of course, Derek and Leon are new to this whole superhero game and no match for lifelong villains. Blake, being the douche that he is, sets them up, Penny isn’t who she appeared to be, and Derek and Leon barely escape with their lives.

 

The lesson, as always: What doesn’t kill you…still hurts like a mother--.